[ she suspects this has to do with guren and his brief departure. he didn't say a lot to her, of course, but she knows dextera. she doesn't think he took it well at all. still she wants him to speak from his thoughts, not hers. ]
[ good thing too, she's not at all equipped to give that advice! unfortunately both of them are rather... hopeless, as rude as it is to think that. ]
No he didn't, and I don't anticipate he would. You already talked about it in public anyway.
[ he's private and she doesn't pry. every time she attempts and does, he just seems to come out of the conversation sadder. be it in actuality or just in her view. ]
I was asked to choose between “saving” Guren from his demon or the ability to go home with him; he was asked to choose between giving me the knowledge to restore my world, or the ability to bring me back with him.
[ they do. in either position, she knows she would choose the former option. saving someone else, even at the expense at being by their side, is the only thought she would have in the moment. but then... ]
Guren said that’s what he would have wanted. He’d rather me go home with him than be healed. I understand his reasoning, but I can’t help the guilt at the answer I gave.
I don't think you should consider it the 'wrong' choice. You both took the same option in the end. That woman clearly was trying to test your commitment to one another, so to speak.
If that's really true, then it can't just be about him. If it was then your soul wouldn't be in turmoil any longer. It's the same as with your desire to atone, when you told me the outside reassurances that you did nothing wrong don't help you.
Do you have any idea yet of what could help you though? If you seek atonement, you need to consider the tools you must obtain to reach it.
I don’t understand why I must make it so hard for myself. I’m surrounded by people who want to help me, and methods to do it, but I can’t make any of it work.
It’s not how I should be thinking, though. I know that.
I understand how you feel. It's different, but it reminds me of my troubles with my sealing power. No matter how much time I spent attempting to unlock it, it never did. No matter how many people encouraged me, pressured me, practiced with me, I never was able to manage.
When it finally did unlock, it was in a moment of true desperation. When I thought I was about to lose everything in my life, because I was.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Maybe we can start here.
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[ she suspects this has to do with guren and his brief departure. he didn't say a lot to her, of course, but she knows dextera. she doesn't think he took it well at all. still she wants him to speak from his thoughts, not hers. ]
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I have to talk about Guren, but I don’t want you to think I’m looking for relationship advice.
It doesn’t have to do with that part of us.
Did he tell you anything about our trip into the forest?
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No he didn't, and I don't anticipate he would. You already talked about it in public anyway.
[ he's private and she doesn't pry. every time she attempts and does, he just seems to come out of the conversation sadder. be it in actuality or just in her view. ]
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I was asked to choose between “saving” Guren from his demon or the ability to go home with him; he was asked to choose between giving me the knowledge to restore my world, or the ability to bring me back with him.
The right choices seem obvious. I know.
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I suppose you both picked the latter then?
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Guren said that’s what he would have wanted. He’d rather me go home with him than be healed. I understand his reasoning, but I can’t help the guilt at the answer I gave.
I know it’s wrong.
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Even by Guren’s, it was correct.
But I still feel like I’ve done something wrong. In my heart, I do want to go back with him, but I wonder if I should.
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Is this the only reason you've begun to doubt, or is there more to it? You've always been so sure about your decision before.
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A part of me knew this before, but I think I rely on him too much. I rely on everyone too much, because I want them to fix my problems for me.
Speaking to you is the only thing that seems to work for me, because you keep me on task. But what happens when I can’t speak to you anymore?
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I just want to believe in my own power.
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If you don't mind the question, where do you think your dependency on others comes from?
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I don’t think I’ve been “right” since I lost my brother. Even now that he’s back, that emptiness isn’t getting any fuller.
[ at least he’s candid about it! ]
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Do you have any idea yet of what could help you though? If you seek atonement, you need to consider the tools you must obtain to reach it.
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I don’t understand why I must make it so hard for myself. I’m surrounded by people who want to help me, and methods to do it, but I can’t make any of it work.
It’s not how I should be thinking, though. I know that.
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I understand how you feel. It's different, but it reminds me of my troubles with my sealing power. No matter how much time I spent attempting to unlock it, it never did. No matter how many people encouraged me, pressured me, practiced with me, I never was able to manage.
When it finally did unlock, it was in a moment of true desperation. When I thought I was about to lose everything in my life, because I was.
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It’s possible that I’m simply not committed enough. My heart aches, but maybe I’ve gotten too complaisant.
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It sounds terrible, but you're not alone. The struggle is remembering you weren't always like this.
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Thank you, Zelda. You’ve given me some things to think about.